Back on the Horse

So... I use CalorieKing...sometimes. I started using it again before my hula show because I wanted to lose weight. I kept up with it pretty religiously before my show and weighed in regularly. After my show, I majorly slacked off, but I did manage to weigh in RIGHT before my work took a turn for crazy-insane-busy-town. This is kind of a perfect picture of how (1) slacking off after hula and (2) ignoring my health in favor of working super long hours affected my weight:

Notice, I started around 195lbs then dipped down to 180lbs after the show, and now I have shot back up to where I started (plus some) in just 3 months! Eww...not a pretty picture. My pants definitely know the difference...

I guess I'm getting back on the horse, so to speak. I just hate falling off all the time. I'm kind of discouraged from getting back on since I know I might fall off again -- BUT, like Sheryl says, "failure isn't when you fall down. It's when you stay down."  Gotta get down to that goal! I just need to keep reminding myself that I IT and NOT to temporarily feel better by stuffing my face. That's the hard part!

Racing Mind

Minnie-Winnie says "Hello!"

I am scatterbrained today! Let's see, what's on the agenda:

X Add air to my tire. It's already going low again! Darnit...I either need to take it back in for repair or buy a new one.. :(

X Get gas

- Fix my tip logic at work and test on machine 2

- Figure out workspace stuff for machines

- Enter in machine 2 points

- Make lasagna at home

- Pick out my clothes for tomorrow

- Go to bed early!

I guess I'm thinking about the weekend. This weekend I'm getting my haircut, going to hula class, and hanging out with my FRIENDS! whoo hoo! Next weekend, I think I'm going down to visit the Browns. The weekend after that I might go home? And the weekend after that I might meet up with Liz.

But there are other things in my brain!: fixing up my resume, applying for new jobs, using my giftcard to buy Harry Potter books, buying new clothes, paying back mister Barages, my dentist appointment next week, G owes me rent, Jury Duty, getting the cats flea collars, can I afford to go to Montreal?,...eek! the list goes on and on! I got some good sleep last night...why am I so anxious this morning? In fact, I even did an ab workout (good job, Jennie!) this morning. Hmmmm....

Feeling Blue

I used to be SO excited to move out of my parents' house because I thought I would be free from their drama and craziness. Unfortunately, I was so very wrong. They really affect my moods, it kind of amazes me sometimes.  Actually, I never realized just HOW much they affected me until I went to therapy -- but I suppose that's usually how it goes.

Here's the thing: I love them a lot. I worry about them and I want the best for them.  It hurts me that they don't love themselves or want the best for themselves. They are adults and they can live their lives how they choose; I guess I get upset because I know it's going to come back around to me. I'm going to have to take care of them when they get older. When I think about it like that, I want to scream and yell at them. "How can you be so selfish? Why aren't you taking care of yourself? Don't you know that I'm going to have to pick up the pieces when you're older?" I don't like seeing them unhappy, but that unhappiness wouldn't bother me half as much if I knew it wasn't propelling them towards an unhealthy old age in which I would have to help care for them.  I am truly stuck, though.  Even if they started doing heroin or practicing parkour, I can't just NOT help them when they break their leg or go into rehab. They are my PARENTS.  That's the problem. They have zero motivation to want to take care of themselves. They know their kids are going to help them in the end (that's the Samoan way anyways). Besides that, they aren't interested in having sanity, they aren't interested in feeling healthy, they don't care about having money later on in life when they can't physically work -- I mean, those are all pretty important things. If they aren't willing to listen to their own unhappiness or physical ailments, why would they listen to me? I'm just a smart-ass kid in their eyes....

Ultimately, I get depressed because I'm worried that I will turn out like them.  I mean, it's inevitable, right? At least with the financial situation, it seems inevitable -- especially if I have to help support them. Oh god. I just scared myself.

*sigh*

G has it so much easier. His parents are way crazier than mine, but they're both very well off. When they get sick from their free-wheeling lifestyles, they'll be able to check into a cushy retirement home or pay for a live-in nurse. At least I don't have to worry about those two...yet. To be fair, they do drive G up the wall. He actually really likes my parents. I know when I complain to him about them, he's kind of like "Seriously? This is crazy to you?"  I guess I should be more thankful....things could be a lot worse.

*sigh*

Random

Clippy says "I'm hungry!"

He had to WAIT for his food today because I had to do my workout with a certain Miss Ellen Barrett. It took me longer than usual since I had to keep stopping to blow my nose, cough a lung out, or sneeze.

Today's agenda: go to work, clean up the dishes, work on my resume, and hug pinky-nose Spoochie.

Breakfast: Tea with milk, PB&J

Lunch: the spicy soup G made (yum), some almonds, a cup of Bolthouse juice

Dinner: ramen?! I suppose I could make spinach lasagna...

Character Strengths

Helloooo! I'm back. I've been confined to my house for the past 3 days because of this terrible cold in which my body is trying to cough out my tonsils. It's not good.  However, I have had lots of time to be introspective and catch up on some fun things I've been putting off because of work and work and more work.  Those things include: cuddling and baby-talking my kitties, watching TV, learning Hawaiian language, reading Pride and Prejudice (so good!), cleaning up my backyard, enjoying G and his crazy antics, and watching "This Emotional Life."  Wow, writing all that makes me realize JUST how productive this weekend has been! I was feeling kind of ashamed of myself for being "sick and lazy" but...it seems like I don't let myself ever "just sit around." Interesting...

Anways, the episode of "This Emotional Life" I just finished watching inspired me to take this Positive Psychology survey. I was attracted to it because I seriously need help in focusing on what my strengths are because I tend to dwell on my weaknesses.  So, I took the survey -- which is 240 questions -- and bought the full results (I'm curious like that I guess) and here are my Signature Strengths:

1. Love of Learning
2. Gratitude
3. Judgement and Open-Mindedness
4. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
5. Curiosity
6. Fairness

They also provided a "Balance" graph that I thought very interesting:

My Signature Strengths have a dark dot next to them and are plotted on a scale showing the relation of each strength to mind-vs-body and focus-on-self-vs-focus-on-others.  With the list and the graph, I must say I am not surprised.  Although, I am pleased to see somethings I know to be true about myself articulated.  Most of my sig. strengths are on the "focus on self" side of the scale, which I think correlates to my introverted nature.  I'm proud that I seem to be balanced in Heart and Mind.

Again, this all comes back to Gretchen Rubin's book/blog "The Happiness Project." Her first commandment is to "Be Gretchen." I have always had a hard time with this commandment, to "Be Jennie," because I thought it too hard or not fulfilling. For some reason, I always feel like the things I really like or the things I'm good at are not good enough. I need to try harder and be someone more special to be loved.... I guess that's why I was so curious about this survey. I wanted to see what "Being Jennie" means right now -- since I'm usually trying to undermine myself. I'm glad that I am who I always suspected I was...

The comparative graph is especially interesting. I won't show it here (it's hard to read) but basically all my top 10 strengths are relatively uncommon for females my age with Bachelor degrees. Of course that totally makes sense to me (I always feel like a fish out of water with other women my age), but it's fascinating seeing the numbers.  My top strength, Love of Learning, is especially unique for my peers: only 10% of my peers scored higher than me on this survey.

For each signature strength, the report has suggestions for further cultivating that strength:
1. Love of Learning: participate in formal or informal ways of learning new things such as taking classes, joining clubs, or starting a hobby.  They note that any recreational activity OTHER than watching TV provides ways to use this strength and enhance it. Unfortunately, I love TV and I use it to help my stupid brain stop thinking all the freakin' time...

2. Gratitude: count blessings on a regular basis -- preferably in writing -- and think about why those good things happened. They talked about this in the movie I watched.  They suggested writing 3 reasons for why those good things happened, which sounds very interesting to me.  Usually I just feel grateful and then guilty for not being more worthy of such good things. I wonder if I reflect deeper on good things that happen to me if I'll finally be able to see that I helped them occur (in other words, I am worthy).  My mind already knows that to be partially true, but my heart does not.

3. Judgement and Open-Mindedness: consider other points of view, try living briefly as if you have different opinions, order a meal or see a movie you wouldn't normally, surround yourself with people that have different viewpoints, and aim to collect rather than evaluate information you receive.  All all accounts, I think I do these things very well -- besides living as if I have different opinions. That sounds weird. BUT, I do know people with different view points from mine, and it doesn't lower my respect for those people. I do learn from them and enjoy thinking about their lives and why they think that way. I'm probably most proud of this trait. But...I wonder if THIS is why I love judge shows so much??!

4. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence: learn how to savor positive emotions (from appreciating beauty/excellence) better, share your appreciation with other like-minded individuals, immerse yourself in the experience, keep a beauty log to record beautiful things you experience, take souvenirs and do not put them out of sight in a drawer, learn more about those people who impress you (role models).  The last three suggestions for this strength really strike a chord with me. I often find myself in a situation where I wish I could bottle up a moment and save it for later -- so I never forget.  Keeping a record or displaying souvenirs is perfect for that.  Also, I have been thinking on and off for over a year now about assembling a display of all the people I find to be my role-models.  Just thinking about them gives me a boost and makes me feel special for some reason.

5. Curiosity: identify an area in which you are an expert and resolve to become more of an expert, practice becoming curious when you come upon an activity you dislike, write about ways you use curiosity at work/family life/pursuit of pleasure.  Meh, I don't have much to say about this one.

6. Fairness: approach a moral dilemma from a different perspective, think about ways of tolerating differences & appreciating different cultures. Meh (who wrote these last two strength-building-suggestions?! They're really bland...)

Okay, that's the end of my long post. I guess since I haven't been able to talk lately because of my stupid throat, it all came out here...in the Dairy :) Sometimes being sick can be good for you. At least, I think my body decided to teach me a lesson for ignoring it these past few (more like 6) months.

PS: the viacharacter.org site advertises the key strengths of other people that took the survey. So far, I've seen "Kindness" and "Humor," both of which I scored very low on. I'm kind of glad, though.... I like my strengths a lot better :)

Sweaty!

I just finished a workout -- yessss. So far, I've worked out the past 4 days! Saturday I went swimming with G, Sunday I went for a little bike ride (I didn't really sweat, but my butt HURTS), yesterday I did two bellydance workouts (my abs hurt big time), and today I did a Self magazine workout. Fun! I felt so energetic at work today, I think it's because of the workouts.  Also, I've been working on some techniques for my negative self-talk that have really been helping.  Mainly, when I start to feel bad and I don't know why, I take some alone time and dig down to find the negative self-talk that is causing the problems.  Usually it ends up being feelings of guilt or feeling like other peoples' happiness or lack-of-happiness is directly related to me.  I'm hoping, like RuPaul says, the more you do it, the more automatic it becomes.  It's kind of annoying right now since the only alone time I get at work is in the bathroom...my coworkers must think I have major poo problems or something, hahaha.

Looking forward to this weekend! But I'm going to miss my kitties :( I'm addicted to kitty cuddles.

**Today I'm Thankful For!**
Our new engineering manager at work. So far, he's been making work sooooo much less stressful. Thank you begeezus.

Off the wagon!

My view of the beautiful weather from my desk:

So, as one might notice (since I'm blogging here at my desk, although it IS lunch time), my resolutions still aren't doing so well. I feel a lot better than the last time I posted. I think I get depressed when I'm home alone. I tend to feel abandoned.  It's frustrating, because when I feel depressed, I don't want to do any of the things I need or like to do. I had all these grand plans of the things I'd do when G is gone, but I fell into a funk and didn't do any of it. Instead, I created more work for us by being super-duper messy and lazy.  On top of THAT, I feel guilty about it.  The cycle of depression begins/continues...

I guess that brings me to one of my secrets of adulthood:

It's easy to be negative; hard to be positive.

In this particular case, it's easy for me to be depressed and beat myself up and hard for me to feel secure or loved.

I'm glad I started blogging and really being mindful of this stuff. I never realized before how loneliness -- even being home alone for one night! -- affects my mood and feelings of self-worth.  Separating external circumstances from my innate self-worth is a subject I seriously need to work on.  I don't quite have a plan for that yet, but I'll think of something...

***Today I am Thankful For!***

My job. It pays the bills, I get along with everyone, and I truly enjoy the work.  I'm learning SO much and my brain works really hard everyday.

---UPDATE---
I had a great breakthrough at work and solved a problem that's been stumping me for a while.  My mood is definitely high again! I even did a 30 minute workout this evening! It's amazing the things I can do when I feel good.  It's easier to do things that will make feel happier when I am already happy...  External circumstances definitely affect my overall happiness and feelings of self-worth, and that worries me. I'm glad that I feel good now, but what will happen to me the next time something goes wrong at work? I don't want to fall apart all over again.

Mondays...

..suck! Today was not good for my resolutions.

Minnie is disappointed in me.

Actually, my bad day started last night. I was feeling blue after such a fun weekend and knowing I had to go to work in the morning, so I stayed up late and ate some brownies. At work, I was feeling frustrated -- I didn't want to do what I needed to do, so I messed around on the internet for ~1 hour.  I didn't go for my daily walk and I stayed too late because I felt guilty. Ugh.

I need to figure out why I feel stressed...

In the meantime, I'm eating some more brownies, cuddling with the kitties, and watching 90210.

***Today I'm Thankful For***

PO Plus! ahahaha

Wet Laundry

The dryers at the laundromat weren't working today :( All my clothes and half of G's clothes are still wet.   I've been trying to dry the dampest items next to the heater...

1. I've been getting at least 8 hours of sleep every day since I first posted! Yesss. I've been waking up on time and feeling great at work. The only tricky thing has been getting to bed on time (oops, I'm late already!!)

2. I've been pretty good at staying off the internet. I have gone on at lunch time to check my email the past few days and I went on Facebook to wish Stuart a Happy Birthday this morning. It hasn't been easy to stay off the internet. I definitely have a compulsive urge to surf when I'm at my desk.

This weekend I'm going to try and have regular sleep hours. I know that if I either stay up too late or sleep in, I'll have a hard time when Monday rolls around.  Sis is visiting, so I may not be able to stick to this, but I'll try.

So far, though, I am definitely enjoying my "Happiness Project"-inspired resolutions. I feel so much better at work: I can really focus and I get A LOT done in just 8 hours.  "Last Year" I was working 10 to 11 hours and not getting as much done.  I'm also in a much better mood lately.  I think this has to do with working less hours, sleeping well, and getting some exercise (I worked out yesterday morning).

**Today I am Thankful For**
Having clean clothes. Even though my clothes are all wet, at least they are clean and smell nice (instead of like cat pee, which is how they smelled earlier...)

This is the Beginning of my Shoooowww!!

My New Year's resolution is to Take Better Care of Myself.  I'm loosely following Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project, a great and inspiring book/blog.  I'm using this blog to track my progress and keep myself mindful of my resolution. I don't intend on blogging everyday -- but I would prefer no gaps larger than 3 days.

This month, I'm focusing on the following:

1. Jennie the Human -- get 8 hours of sleep every night!
2. Work -- no internet at work except at lunch or after I'm off the clock. This means Facebook, Gmail, and anything else not related to work!

To me, resolutions are about making habits. These are the top two habits I'd like to form that I think will really impact my general quality of life and peace of mind.  I also aim to add 30 minutes of physical activity to my list, but I don't want to push it.  One of the things I have realized about myself over the past (crappy) year is that I tend to overdo everything. I take on too much work, I expect too much from myself, and I end up being disappointed and ultimately depressed. Nevermore!

This past week off has been phenomenal. I had such a great time visiting with friends and just enjoying life. My mind feels clear, I can let go, and just be happy. I want to preserve this feeling for as long as I possibly can.

**Today I am Thankful For:**
My house! I have the best house with 2 beautiful kitties and 1 handsome G. I complain about the mess, but it's comfortable and lovely. I stay warm, the kitties purr, and G cooks. What more could I ask for?!