Feeling Blue

I used to be SO excited to move out of my parents' house because I thought I would be free from their drama and craziness. Unfortunately, I was so very wrong. They really affect my moods, it kind of amazes me sometimes.  Actually, I never realized just HOW much they affected me until I went to therapy -- but I suppose that's usually how it goes.

Here's the thing: I love them a lot. I worry about them and I want the best for them.  It hurts me that they don't love themselves or want the best for themselves. They are adults and they can live their lives how they choose; I guess I get upset because I know it's going to come back around to me. I'm going to have to take care of them when they get older. When I think about it like that, I want to scream and yell at them. "How can you be so selfish? Why aren't you taking care of yourself? Don't you know that I'm going to have to pick up the pieces when you're older?" I don't like seeing them unhappy, but that unhappiness wouldn't bother me half as much if I knew it wasn't propelling them towards an unhealthy old age in which I would have to help care for them.  I am truly stuck, though.  Even if they started doing heroin or practicing parkour, I can't just NOT help them when they break their leg or go into rehab. They are my PARENTS.  That's the problem. They have zero motivation to want to take care of themselves. They know their kids are going to help them in the end (that's the Samoan way anyways). Besides that, they aren't interested in having sanity, they aren't interested in feeling healthy, they don't care about having money later on in life when they can't physically work -- I mean, those are all pretty important things. If they aren't willing to listen to their own unhappiness or physical ailments, why would they listen to me? I'm just a smart-ass kid in their eyes....

Ultimately, I get depressed because I'm worried that I will turn out like them.  I mean, it's inevitable, right? At least with the financial situation, it seems inevitable -- especially if I have to help support them. Oh god. I just scared myself.

*sigh*

G has it so much easier. His parents are way crazier than mine, but they're both very well off. When they get sick from their free-wheeling lifestyles, they'll be able to check into a cushy retirement home or pay for a live-in nurse. At least I don't have to worry about those two...yet. To be fair, they do drive G up the wall. He actually really likes my parents. I know when I complain to him about them, he's kind of like "Seriously? This is crazy to you?"  I guess I should be more thankful....things could be a lot worse.

*sigh*