Back on the Horse

So... I use CalorieKing...sometimes. I started using it again before my hula show because I wanted to lose weight. I kept up with it pretty religiously before my show and weighed in regularly. After my show, I majorly slacked off, but I did manage to weigh in RIGHT before my work took a turn for crazy-insane-busy-town. This is kind of a perfect picture of how (1) slacking off after hula and (2) ignoring my health in favor of working super long hours affected my weight:

Notice, I started around 195lbs then dipped down to 180lbs after the show, and now I have shot back up to where I started (plus some) in just 3 months! Eww...not a pretty picture. My pants definitely know the difference...

I guess I'm getting back on the horse, so to speak. I just hate falling off all the time. I'm kind of discouraged from getting back on since I know I might fall off again -- BUT, like Sheryl says, "failure isn't when you fall down. It's when you stay down."  Gotta get down to that goal! I just need to keep reminding myself that I IT and NOT to temporarily feel better by stuffing my face. That's the hard part!

Racing Mind

Minnie-Winnie says "Hello!"

I am scatterbrained today! Let's see, what's on the agenda:

X Add air to my tire. It's already going low again! Darnit...I either need to take it back in for repair or buy a new one.. :(

X Get gas

- Fix my tip logic at work and test on machine 2

- Figure out workspace stuff for machines

- Enter in machine 2 points

- Make lasagna at home

- Pick out my clothes for tomorrow

- Go to bed early!

I guess I'm thinking about the weekend. This weekend I'm getting my haircut, going to hula class, and hanging out with my FRIENDS! whoo hoo! Next weekend, I think I'm going down to visit the Browns. The weekend after that I might go home? And the weekend after that I might meet up with Liz.

But there are other things in my brain!: fixing up my resume, applying for new jobs, using my giftcard to buy Harry Potter books, buying new clothes, paying back mister Barages, my dentist appointment next week, G owes me rent, Jury Duty, getting the cats flea collars, can I afford to go to Montreal?,...eek! the list goes on and on! I got some good sleep last night...why am I so anxious this morning? In fact, I even did an ab workout (good job, Jennie!) this morning. Hmmmm....

Feeling Blue

I used to be SO excited to move out of my parents' house because I thought I would be free from their drama and craziness. Unfortunately, I was so very wrong. They really affect my moods, it kind of amazes me sometimes.  Actually, I never realized just HOW much they affected me until I went to therapy -- but I suppose that's usually how it goes.

Here's the thing: I love them a lot. I worry about them and I want the best for them.  It hurts me that they don't love themselves or want the best for themselves. They are adults and they can live their lives how they choose; I guess I get upset because I know it's going to come back around to me. I'm going to have to take care of them when they get older. When I think about it like that, I want to scream and yell at them. "How can you be so selfish? Why aren't you taking care of yourself? Don't you know that I'm going to have to pick up the pieces when you're older?" I don't like seeing them unhappy, but that unhappiness wouldn't bother me half as much if I knew it wasn't propelling them towards an unhealthy old age in which I would have to help care for them.  I am truly stuck, though.  Even if they started doing heroin or practicing parkour, I can't just NOT help them when they break their leg or go into rehab. They are my PARENTS.  That's the problem. They have zero motivation to want to take care of themselves. They know their kids are going to help them in the end (that's the Samoan way anyways). Besides that, they aren't interested in having sanity, they aren't interested in feeling healthy, they don't care about having money later on in life when they can't physically work -- I mean, those are all pretty important things. If they aren't willing to listen to their own unhappiness or physical ailments, why would they listen to me? I'm just a smart-ass kid in their eyes....

Ultimately, I get depressed because I'm worried that I will turn out like them.  I mean, it's inevitable, right? At least with the financial situation, it seems inevitable -- especially if I have to help support them. Oh god. I just scared myself.

*sigh*

G has it so much easier. His parents are way crazier than mine, but they're both very well off. When they get sick from their free-wheeling lifestyles, they'll be able to check into a cushy retirement home or pay for a live-in nurse. At least I don't have to worry about those two...yet. To be fair, they do drive G up the wall. He actually really likes my parents. I know when I complain to him about them, he's kind of like "Seriously? This is crazy to you?"  I guess I should be more thankful....things could be a lot worse.

*sigh*

Random

Clippy says "I'm hungry!"

He had to WAIT for his food today because I had to do my workout with a certain Miss Ellen Barrett. It took me longer than usual since I had to keep stopping to blow my nose, cough a lung out, or sneeze.

Today's agenda: go to work, clean up the dishes, work on my resume, and hug pinky-nose Spoochie.

Breakfast: Tea with milk, PB&J

Lunch: the spicy soup G made (yum), some almonds, a cup of Bolthouse juice

Dinner: ramen?! I suppose I could make spinach lasagna...